First off, let me start by saying that I am so sorry for my absence over the last few months. The thing is, I’ve been working really hard on myself. I’ve been working super hard and just putting a lot of effort in to every day. I know, that’s no excuse to miss blogs but I hope you all enjoy the catch up!
The best and most important thing that I want to write about and share with you all is the life lesson I have learnt over the last few months. In one of my last blogs, I shared with you that of the somewhat breakdown I had. And yes, that was the worst of it, however, the recovery (on-going) is hard work too. I am still seeing a counsellor which helps me deal with everyday anxieties, concerns and negative thoughts. I’m also still taking Lexapro- which are anti-depressants and anxiety tablets. I’m on a fairly low dose which is good. Basically, the medication just helps level my serotonin levels in my brain. Which basically means they level my mood and stop me having extreme thoughts. There was a stage that I couldn’t control my thinking at all. Like, one minute I’d be super hyper and totally glad to be here and enthusiastic and happy.. and the next I’d be contemplating suicide and just endlessly crying and not knowing why. And even though I’ve been taking the medication for about four months now, I’ve only really started to feel okay the last month or so. As well as learning a lot about self-love, I also learned the very hard lesson of patience.
I wanted to get better now. I wanted it to go away now. I didn’t want to wait until the counselling worked, or the medication worked, or the circumstances changed. I literally just wanted it to happen over night. And the key to even starting to get better is just being aware that it doesn’t happen over night. And that you’re going to have both good and bad days. That thoughts can consume you but that they will go eventually. It’s just about having the trust in yourself and your path- and realising that it’s all in the day. What you do today will affect how you feel tomorrow. All you can control is you. So just do something for yourself today, have a good day, go somewhere you like, do something you love. And eventually, it’ll become habit. You can be happy. It just takes time and a lot of hard work.
My counsellor was adamant that all of my problems were stemming from my hatred towards myself. He was convinced that every bad thought I had was because of how insecure I was. He was right. He kept telling me to start loving myself and when you’re in the wrong mind-set, what does that even mean!?
I started having long baths and getting my hair done. I changed jobs. I painted my nails and done my tan more. I started getting up early and having longer, more enjoyable days. And for a while, I thought all of this was pointless because my mind was somewhere else. But eventually, I just started enjoying myself. I started to like myself a little more. Then it became so much less important what other people had to say. It starts with you.
When I accept myself, I am free from the burden of needing you to accept me.
I don’t want you all to think that I’m preaching and I’m better and I know everything. I still have bad days. I still have panic attacks and I still cry for no reason. But sharing how I started my journey might help someone start theirs.