Wow, have I got news for you!?
A lot of stuff has gone down over the last few months- I mean serious shit. I didn’t write much about how things were because, well, things weren’t. I basically had this big depression (my mother preferred to call it ‘some sort of breakdown’) that lasted about a week in total. I mean serious carry-on.. like not being able to eat but still getting sick, not being able to leave bed because I was too weak, not being able to stop crying. It was mad because I’ve always suffered with anxiety and depression (on and off) but I never thought I’d reach a really low-point like that. But, anyway, I’m alive and well and I have made it through- well, sort of.
The point of mentioning that wasn’t for sympathy comments or any kind of false empathetic care that you all thing I might need. I wanted to mention it because it really made me look around at my life, my job, my friends, my family, my boyfriend, my education. I really had to dig deep and realize what was important, ya know!? Like, what was worth the pain and what just wasn’t anymore. I, personally, believe that the breakdown was just a build up of adult responsibilities that I just didn’t want to face. So, I made a start. And over the last few weeks, I’ve put myself in situations I don’t want to be in. I’ve had to do things that I don’t want to do. I’ve began training my mind so that I’m not thinking horrible thoughts that I don’t want to think. And I’ve started taking responsibility for actions and roles that are mine. Notice the ‘I’ve started’, these things take years to perfect. Making a start is just the first step. I just wanted to share with you all some things I’ve really had to thoroughly learn the hard way over the last week-or-so. Enjoy!
1. Accept It
Everybody says that acceptance is the first step to moving forward, and it really is a nice thought that you can accept something and move on. But actually doing it is a completely other kettle of fish! It’s so fucking hard!! Accepting facts and things that have happened that you just don’t want to know about or even believe happened? It’s almost like if you don’t accept them, it’ll be as if they didn’t happen. But it builds up and it builds up, until eventually it’s all that you can think of. The subconscious mind is a very powerful and underestimated part of your brain. So, save yourself the pain, as I am trying to in this moment, and just accept it. Dear God, please, for the love of Jesus, just accept it. So what if he kissed another girl!? So what if your boss doesn’t like you!? So what if she’s prettier and has more friends!? No matter how long you grovel over things that just are, they will still just be. The only person that is hurting is you. It’s a long process, and it doesn’t just happen in one day, but start accepting things now. And if it gets to the stage that you are unwell, and you can not cope, accept that, too. Accept that you are not well and it is not your fault. Go to the doctor. Get the help you deserve. Start letting things in and letting things go- it’s kind of like breathing!
2. Clear Your Desktop
I was trying to explain to my uncle how it felt to be anxious and he used an amazing metaphor to help me clear my mind. He said ‘When you have a laptop and it starts to get slow and it doesn’t work as well as it did, you clear it. You clear your desktop, you clear your recycling bin, you clear your drive. Then, when you re install things, you make sure you have a system that defends against the things that ruined it to begin with- viruses etc.’ It made sense to me. So after my days upon days on vomit and self-pity, I started to delete folders in my mind that were just too heavy to carry. Things I hadn’t forgiven myself for, things I hadn’t done that I wish I had, things I had and hadn’t said- man, I have so much shit I just blame myself on every single day. But I’ve started to clear my desktop. That’s my second lesson learned.
3. Go Somewhere Else
Everybody has things that they have to do. Whether it’s work, college, school- we all have responsibilities. But we are not limited. If we are unhappy in our place of responsibility, we can move somewhere else. I’m not going to say that I was unhappy in my job, because that’s not true. What I will say is there were things that I was not happy about: people that were not willing to share kindness, situations that were not going to change, it seemed that there were more chiefs than Indians at times, and those things are fine if you can deal with them. But, I’m just far too fragile and sensitive. I’m too anxious and teary, I over-think absolutely everything and this environment was just hurting me. So, I got a new job. I’ve decided to move from bar work and endure in café work. It does hurt to move on because there is always good and bad in everything. Sometimes we meet people along the way that will stay in our hearts and heads forever. But when the bad begins to out-weigh the good, it’s time to go somewhere else. I handed my notice in last night and I begin my new job tomorrow.
4. Spend Time With Your Family
I’m really not afraid to tell you all that the person I spend the most time with, more than anybody, is my Nan. Lunch dates at least twice a week, sleepovers, tea parties, shopping sprees, movie nights… the works! If it wasn’t for my Dad forcing me to leave the house, and my relatives giving me baby-sitting shifts, reasons to come over, invitations for dinner… I probably would have never left my bed. The thing is, though, that I’ve learned, is that we take for granted the people we have around us when we’re too busy looking at the things that other people have that we don’t have. But, a lot of the time, the idea of someone else isn’t even the truth. So just focus on your damn self. Focus on your own damn life, your own damn family, your own damn car, your own damn job and just move forward with that. Better that, make that work. Make up with family members that you have differences with, not because they were right but because they’re family. Family is important. No matter how embarrassing they can be, just include them. Because when you’re on your arse, like really on your arse, they’ll be all you have.
People do things that I don’t like everyday. People say things I don’t agree with everyday. And most of the time, they don’t say sorry. Forgive them anyway. Pretend that they’ve apologized. Make up some kind of conversation in your mind, and forgive them. Accept the apology you never received. It’s a lot easier that way.
6. Set An Alarm, Get Up, Get Dressed, Go Out- ANYWHERE!
When I deferred college, I took to the habit of staying up late and sleeping all day. That slowly caught up with me. When I was stuck in bed, I realized how much I took for granted when I could have been out somewhere doing something cool! Sometimes, I wake up with the fear over me. With anxiety, sometimes I just wake up and I’m almost paralyzed. I don’t want to eat, move, speak- I’m just so scared. And it would be so much easier to wallow and lie there in self-pity and self-loathe. But I know for a fact that if I just push myself to get up, take my vitamins and medication, get washed & dressed and make plans that I will feel one million times better. It’s when you don’t want to go anywhere, that you have to force yourself. Get up early and live your life. Even if your mind is somewhere else, just go. Fake it until you make it, as they say!
When I got really ill, my boyfriend Tom couldn’t understand why I was pushing him away. I didn’t really understand it either, to be honest, but it was really hurting us both that I wasn’t able to communicate. It was a huge lesson learned when I realized that simple informing someone ‘I’m not feeling well, can we speak later?’ could make such a difference. Let people around you know you’re having a little freaker, let people know you need space. If someone’s blowing up your phone, let them know you’re a bit off at the moment, you’re going for a bath and that you’ll call later to talk about it. Communication is key.
8. Sleep Patterns Must Be Fixed
I’m an absolute divil for staying up all night and sleeping until 4pm. But after everything went down, I had to really focus on getting my life in order. I started to get earlier nights, have nights in instead of going out, drinking more water.. they’re simple acts that people would probably consider silly and think they wouldn’t have an effect. But, they do. Simple steps save you. One step at a time.
9. You Don’t Have To
I’m a mad thing for thinking that I have to do things for other people. It’s like I don’t believe in the word ‘no’. Like, if someone invited me somewhere but I know that I won’t be comfortable, I’ll think I have to go because otherwise it’ll be worse. It’s so hard to explain but one thing I have learned is that: yes, we are adults and there are definitely things that have to be done that maybe we don’t wanna do. These things include grocery shopping and cleaning the house, not being put in situations that you are not comfortable in. Fuck anybody it hurts, you come first, say no if you think it’s a bad idea. You do not have to go anywhere you don’t want to. No, thank you, maybe next time, thanks for the offer but I think I’ll pass. End of.
10. Until You Start Believing In Yourself, You Ain’t Gonna Have A Life
The last Rocky film is probably the best for life quotations. My dad printed off Rocky’s quote to his son and put it in my room when I was really down. It meant a lot to me and also made a lot of sense. ‘Don’t say you ain’t where you wanna be because of him or her or anybody. Cowards do that and that ain’t you!’ – blaming people for my misfortunes has always been a pleasant past time of mine. You really do have to go and get something if you want it. For people like me, that think and feel a lot, life is a fucking bitch. It’s harsh, it’s mean and it hurts. It takes work to be happy and that sucks because all I want is to just wake up and breathe and be like ‘Today is a new day. I’m going to live and not be afraid or live in the past or obsess over other people.’ But, unfortunately, to get there it takes years of practice. Focus on yourself, believe in yourself. Start practicing now. Because if you don’t, your life will be someone else’s. Whoever it is you’re thinking of, whatever it is that’s consuming you, your life will belong to them.
We are humans and being human is a complete learning curve within itself. Everyday something new is brought to our attention, everyday we learn, see, or do something different. It’s hard and some days are tougher than others. But it’s all about experience and practice. I wanted to share my lessons with you guys because I really just don’t want anybody to have to learn them the hard way. It’s nice to give advice, especially when you’ve learned first hand how difficult things can be. A smooth sea never made a skilled sailor.
Also, I’ve changed the name of this blog to ‘Not Another Beauty Blog’. I’m still going through some changes on Facebook and stuff but my new URL is: http://www.facebook.com/N0TANOTHERBEAUTYBLOG
Until next time,