There’s a few things recently that, in my mind, I just can not seem to come to terms with and let go of. I’m beginning to wonder if it’s possible for me to even do that. I have tried reading books, watching documentaries, meditating, talking to people and nothing has a long-term effect. Everything just keeps me happy until the next time I think about it and I’m running out of resources to turn to. I am really just fed up with being myself, I can’t seem to stay remotely emotionally balanced for longer than a day and I’m really starting to think- is anybody fully emotionally balanced?
The things I can’t let go of are basic: what people think of me, what I think of other people, the past (that’s a big one) and I have an awful tendency to self-destruct. i.e. drink too much when I’m upset or stressed, not eat if I’m having a bad anxiety day. And for so long I was waiting for a better day, a better week where all my problems would just go away. But the thing is, if you have anxiety, you are your problems. I carry my problems everywhere with me because ninety-five percent of them are completely made up in my head. Ye, I’m cray.
I look at all of these happy people that preach happiness and optimism and I just can’t help but seriously wonder… How the fuck can you oil your brain to work so great? Like, seriously, how do people do it? I’m all out of ideas right now. It doesn’t matter what I fix or change, the problem is me and I’m beginning to really dislike myself.
Moral of the blog: Anxiety is probably one of the worst, most confusing, hurtful and horrible things to ever happen to anyone and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy (I don’t have one but if I did, I still wouldn’t). Now, sorry if I depressed you, I shall return to Disney movies and tea. Good night x