When I was in secondary school, I really wanted to fit in with a certain group of people. I had people that liked me but, of course, that wasn’t good enough. The group I wanted never really had much time for me which made me want them to be my friends more. I was driving them away every day with my needy efforts and as a result, they were being really horrible and mean to make me go away. Well, that’s my theory anyway.
It has literally taken me years of thinking about it and similar situations have occurred but I just wanted to remind you all that IF SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT YOU IN THEIR LIFE, YOU CAN DO ANYTHING TO TRY TO FORCE THEM BUT THEY WILL NOT WANT YOU IN THEIR LIFE. They carry issues with you. You don’t need to carry the same issues because that is their shit. And no matter what you do, unless they are willing to change their thinking completely, you will never win over their companionship.
And this really hurts my feelings. In all honesty, it makes me so upset because all I’ve ever done is try so hard to make people like me but I never even stopped to think, until the last week or so, that IF SOMEONE DOES NOT WANT ME IN THEIR LIFE BECAUSE THEY CAN NOT SEE MY WORTH, THAT DOES NOT DECREASE MY VALUE. And if they are not willing to accept me for who I am and love me for my flaws and mistakes, as needy and over-sensitive as I may be, then maybe I don’t want them in my life. The choice is mine. It is my choice. Do I keep bringing myself down with unappreciated efforts or do I let go, move on and accept myself instead? No brainer, really. And since I left school, I haven’t spoken to any of those people. I didn’t need them then and I don’t need them now. It was a lesson that I didn’t even know I had learned.
I want people in my life that I do not have to try and impress. I want people that make me laugh until it hurts, people that I feel like I’ve known years after one chat and people that are really appreciative and interested in what I have to offer. Because I know I’m not perfect and believe me I’m working on that really hard right now, but neither is anyone else. And whether or not they want to work on their shit is their problem. If other people don’t want to be nice back, if other people want to focus on my mistakes and my flaws instead of my efforts and positive aspects, well then maybe I don’t want them in my life. I sure as hell don’t need them in my life.
So if someone doesn’t want to be my friend, then I don’t want to be their friend. I want to be friends with kind, forgiving, understanding people. If someone doesn’t want to see me for who I am and accept me for who I am, then I simply don’t want them in my life.
Today, I have chosen to take a step back from trying. I have chosen to only put my efforts into people that love and care about me. I have chosen to cut the strings that bear heavy loads of others and I have chosen to like myself and treat myself good enough, so that I don’t need other people’s validation.