Everybody, and I mean everybody, has certain moments embellished in their brain that they just can not forgive themselves for. Well, me? That is the perfect way to describe my whole life. I mean, having anxiety has its perks! You can laugh about certain things in years to come.. but some moments, no matter how silly they may seem, I still cringe for. I thought I’d give you all a little giggle tonight. I haven’t really done a funny blog yet and I absolutely wet myself writing my list in my notepad for this blog post. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it. Welcome to my cringe-fest!
1. The Bum Incident
For some reason, whenever I think of the word ’embarrassing’, this is the immediate moment that comes to my mind. I have no idea why. I guess it just scarred me. I was walking home from school through the estates one day with my brother and his best friend. Loads of kids walked our way because the school was based around these estates so most of us lived that way. My brother’s best friend and I were kidding around, I would have been about 6 (him about 12) so he was lifting me and swinging me and stuff, until I fell- which was funny! So he played on it, he dragged me along the grass by my schoolbag while mocking “You fell! You fell!”. We were obviously attracting the attention of all of the other kids, who were now giggling along and watching. Next thing, my trousers got caught on the grass and they got pulled down- along with my knickers. I was lying on my tummy so it was all bum! Everybody just saw my bum and laughed. My perky, six-year-old little bottom was put on display for the majority of my primary school. It still hurts. Oh.
2. That Wasn’t Supposed To Come Out
At the age of fourteen, all you want to do is be around boys. Am I right? I mean, if you’re hanging around with ‘the lads’ for the day- you are a queen! Well, I was in that position for one lucky day in my life. We were all sitting watching television, me and five other boys and I felt on top of the world. Then, I farted. It was obvious that it was me because my face went red and I started tearing up. I want to punch myself.
3. The Not-So-Graceful Landing
Bacbar is the local watering hole for young party-hards like myself. So, when you’re trying to make a statement about how good you look, it’s probably not a good idea to fall down two flights of stairs, through the banisters and onto the dance floor in front of everyone there. Especially if your glass smashes in your hand, creating a bloody mess all over your dress. Yeah, that’s a recent one of my not-so-proud moments.
I started boxing when I was in primary school and I was really proud of my Dad for coaching me so, of course, all of my friends had to know! That came back to bite me up the ass. A girl in the class below me was bullying me so I got really brave and called her a man. So, one day after school she decided to beat the shit out of me- on the same green that my bum was flashed on a few years previous! I had a really good social start in life. Next!
5. The Bend Over
This one also being recent, still makes me shiver. It was my cousin’s hens party and I was wearing a ‘short enough’ dress, along with some classy kitten heels and a nice up-do. I was feeling good. So one of my uncles was just dropping us somewhere and had to make a pit-stop at his house to drop his daughter and her boyfriend and the smaller kids and their stuff inside so they could keep an eye on them until he returned. So, my cousins boyfriend was behind me getting stuff out of the boot of the car (I was sitting in the back of the car) and he asked me to reach for something in the front and pass it to him. Me, in all my glory, did just that but gave him a little more than he’d asked for- that being a full view of my very private part and bum in a thong. I turned around, praying that he had been too occupied to notice my wonderful rear-view but…. no, he had seen. He had also changed color to a hot pink. You know it’s bad when other people are embarrassed for you. *Sigh*.
6. The Snow Ball Effect
I was fifteen and throwing snow balls at random house windows, thinking I was fabulous along with a big group of pals. Until, I threw a snowball at the wrong house and a man ran out and punched me in front of everyone. Okay then.
7. I Just Pissed Myself
I was walking around Wicklow Town with three friends when I was in third year and one of them thought hiding on me and jumping out would be ‘funny’ and ‘creative’. I pissed myself from the fright. I don’t think I ever lived that one down.
8. Confessions Of A Drunken Teenager
This isn’t exactly an exact moment, however, it did for a while become one of the more frequent ones. There is nothing worse than waking up the next morning and having someone comfort you with ‘Look, if you need anything, I’m here’ – ehm rewind, please? What exactly did I tell you? The embarrassment of hearing all of your personal problems said back to you is probably enough to send you to the grave. No. Please. Just no.
9. I’m In The Wrong Car, Amen’t I?
One day, I was out shopping with my mom in Dundrum Shopping Centre and she told me she’d go wait in the car while I payed for the parking ticket. I was so busy on my phone that I didn’t even realize I had gotten into the wrong car until the person beside me answered my ramblings about the queue to the machine. It was an old man. I turned to my right to find an old man sitting there smiling. How I got him mixed up with my mother I will never know. I just got out with my tail between my legs as he giggled after me. I suppose he could have been less understanding.
10. Sorry, I Lied, Can I Have A Pad?
I was in sixth class and all of my friends had gotten their period. I was the only one that hadn’t and I felt really left out. I was a little younger than everybody else, I guess, and I just felt like I wanted to be like the rest of the girls. Yano, having chats about what pads they use and whether or not they’re allowed take painkillers for their cramps. I wanted mine! So, I lied. To fit in, obviously. And I really didn’t see the harm in it. That’s because, of course, I didn’t consider when or where I might get my actual, real, non-fictional period. I was in my best friends house after school one day and we were sitting at the computer listening to ‘whopper’ DJ hits and talking about the local gossip. I went to the bathroom, initially to pee, but to my surprise had something else on my hands. I was so freaked out that I actually got my period for real that I was literally crying so I had to put up with the embarrassment of going to my friend, telling her I lied about having it in the first place, and asking her for a pad. Caught red-handed.
So, they are only my top ten. I’m sure within the next few months I’ll build up a brand new portfolio to present in part two! My life is a constant spine-shiver of ‘you probably shouldn’t have said/done that’ so don’t worry, there will be more. I’m doing this new thing in life where I embrace my flaws and build on them. I’m trying to trust that somewhere out there something has a bigger and better plan for me and that all of these moments that I don’t like, or regret are just to pass the time. Maybe comment and share some of your embarrassing moments just to help me on my quest of embracing mine? We can be embarrassed together. It might be fun.