I had a bit of a nostalgic feeling about ten minutes ago. I found an old family hard-drive in my parent’s room and decided to plug it in to a blank laptop, just to have a little goo at what was on it (as you do!) but what I found didn’t give me the exact feeling I had expected. I guess I expected to gaze over the photos in admiration for the great times I’ve had, with the family I’m lucky to have and the friends that made my experiences all the better. Instead, I found myself disappointed at how much my life has changed over the last few years. And I’m so upset. I mean, I didn’t sign up for this growing up crap? Nobody did but I mean, it’s not really that fair if you think about it logically. I’m getting off point here but you get me.
So the main photographs on the hard-drive were pictures of my parents in India. They went there last year to get their marriage blessed (leaving me alone in my creepy bungalow for nearly a month!) but I did come across very few photographs from my eighteenth birthday party. It was a disaster, as most people’s are, but I guess I just didn’t realize how lucky I was. I hugely took it for granted and now I’m seriously regretting it.
My eighteenth started off with pre-drinks and food in mine (the chicken nuggets ended up wedged between each tier of my cake which took my brother three days to make but on the plus side, it was kind of, sort of, really hilarious). Then we got a mini-bus into Bray to a club I was working in at the time, where we all got refused from an area that I had actually booked, which makes no sense, but that’s how it went. I spent the rest of the night getting really drunk and crying about it and well, yeah, that was pretty much it.
As I’m looking at the pictures, I’m thinking about the diversity of the people there. I mean, people I went to school with (who are talented musicians, very intelligent people- most of which come from places like Roundwood and Wicklow), then there were people I drank with (people that I was asked not to invite), then there were my cousins and family (that I don’t really have a lot to do with anymore- which is a sore subject), and a few of mine and my brother’s closest friends (that I don’t keep in touch with as much as I should) and it makes me really think hard about how much contact I have had and don’t have now with these people that, at one stage, were my very and only best friends. It bothers me that I’m growing up, getting busier, learning lessons and losing people that I love. And for what purpose? I mean if it could be explained I’m sure I’d feel a little better about it.
I guess you could argue that humans are nearly bio-degradable and that they can easily disappear and be replaced with new humans. I’ve met new humans this year that I love more than I’ve ever loved anybody but that doesn’t change the fact that I miss my old humans, right? This time last year, I knew who my boyfriend was but I didn’t know I’d be with him now. But this time last year, I knew I loved my friends but I didn’t know they’d be a ‘was’ now. I guess it’s just about appreciating what you have every day. That doesn’t make it any easier. We think that, just because we’re young we won’t die, or we won’t lose anyone, or that our family will be there forever. Well, I’m only nineteen and nobody knows even half of what I’ve been through (I hate when people say that! Pet-peeve, I just committed a crime!) but you know what I mean? Anybody could die at any minute- no matter how old they are. Your best friend of five years might move on to people she has more in common with- and that hurts like hell (more than a boy ever could) but it happens, it’s happened to me twice! And your family aren’t always going to put up with your shit, I’ve lived this. Been from house to house until eventually, I had to cop on. Capturing every moment and cherishing it is difficult. It’s hard because life gives you reasons not to appreciate what you have. It’s about strength and appreciation. I guess eighteen is a young age to think about all that kind of stuff, and a lot has changed in a year, but I just miss every single person in those photographs. And that’s allowed. The power of the past is stronger than me at this moment and time.
I definitely shouldn’t have plugged the hard-drive in. Curiosity definitely killed the cat tonight.